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The First Atomic Flower

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Ai no Uta

Welcome!

Welcome to my boring, self-centered, and selfish life, dear you! I was scared that you won’t accept me as whole person. I was afraid of running away to face the truth, the uncertain future, and you.

But we won’t be ready. I won’t never be ready if I don’t take a step forward to reach our goal. I have to be brave for me, for you, for us. I have to.

So, I decided (as soon as I wake up this morning) to move forward… with you. Yes! At least, I won’t be alone facing my fear later on. I will have someone beside me.

Well, I am still afraid but I know for sure that we can overcome this. We can do it together.

Let’s take step together side by side.

 

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The Mirror has Two Faces, Professor Charming and Cool Knitted Hat

I was so into knitting lately. I have knitted hats, bracelet and scarfs. I knitted for people I dear, I gave them as a present. Mom said I should sell it but I am not so sure someone will buy it. Haha. Not only knitting, I also like watching movies and observing people. Let’s combine those hobbies into one so it would be I observe what I see in movies, what they wear and how they talk mostly.

There is a move that I really love. The title is The Mirror has Two Faces. The story was about two professors being in love uniquely. Rose was literacy professor while Greg was mathematics professor in the same university. Both of them were teachers, like me. Greg was a professor charming who was tired being in love for sex. He wanted a platonic relationship with a intelligent woman who would listen and share her life with. However, Rose was romantic and feeling unattractive toward a man. In short, they met. They found the chemistry. Eventually, they got married. But their married life wasn’t a happily ever after kind story. The conflict started when they exchanged vows to live together. (No spoiler, you should watch it by yourself! :p)

In the movie, Rose was played by Barbra Streisand. I noticed that she wear knitted hat in the winter scene. I would have that hat so I knitted one (on picture above). I shared a same dream with Rose to be a great teacher, build a happy marriage life, meeting Mr. Right somewhere even though you’re not pretty. Hopefully, I will meet the Professor Charming like Gregory who see a woman not based on her physical attraction but attitude and intelligence.

The movie end with a wonderful song by Bryan Adams and Barbra Streisand, I Finally Found Someone. If I have to be a professor and end with that someone, I would do it! Absolutely!

 

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THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

 

1st: Denial. I just can’t believe he’s gone. It seems surreal. It’s just a bad dream.

2nd: Anger. WHY DIDN’T I SAY WHAT I WANNA SAY? HOW COME YOU NEVER SHARE YOUR TRUE FEELING TO ME? WHY DIDN’T I TRY HARDER APPROACHING YOU?

3rd: Bargaining. Please… hang on. If you survived, I would do better. I promised I would make you proud. Or… just take me instead.

4th: Depression.
……………………………………………..
He was something. Then, he’s gone. He became nothing. However, this nothingness is so damn hurt! (Because you’re my dad!)

5th: Acceptance. I believe this is the best way for you, for me, for us. Instead of experiencing the pain, He took you away to a better place. I believe so because you’ve been a great man.

I am sorry. I love you. Thank you.

In memoriam of my precious father, may he rest in peace. Till we meet again in His jannah. Aamiin.

Your (un)selfish daughter

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Getting a partner is not as easy as learning ABC

At Obi’s wedding.. (from left to right) Esmeralda, Dandy, Septi, Tama, Me, and Kiki

Di umur dua puluhan jadwal kondangan sudah bagaikan acara rutin setiap akhir pekan. Seneng sih bisa ketemu temen di kondangan, menjaga silaturahim dan reunian. Tapi, ada kalanya bikin keki juga apalagi kalo dateng sendiri. Seperti hari ini, saya datang terlalu pagi untuk jadwal resepsi dan kesiangan untuk menghadiri akad hingga akhirnya saya menanti di ruangan resepsi sendirian sambil utak-atik hp dan nguping curhatan keluarga mempelai di sebelah kanan-kiri saya. hahaha.

Akhirnya setelah menanti hampir satu jam lebih teman saya datang satu per satu. Sambil menunggu mereka, saya cicipi saja hidangan di nikahan yang enak-enak mulai dari sate padang, dimsum, pempek dan makan prasmanan (belum sarapan jadi kalap, haha). Selama menunggu itu pula saya memperhatikan sekerumunan cowo-cowo muda seumuran saya bercengkrama. Yah, ada satu yang menarik hati. Radar saya biasanya mengarah ke cowo yang sesuai tipe saya (look smart, supel, and a bit nerd). Dia itu, sebut saja Mister AM.

Singkat cerita, salah satu teman saya si Dandy ternyata temen SDnya Mister AM. Saya lihat Dandy bertukar sapa sama Mr. AM dan basa-basi gitu. Saya tanyalah, “Dandy, kenal sama dia?” sambil nunjuk cowo yang dimaksud. Dandy jawab dengan santai, “Iya, dia temen aku SD. Namanya I_ _ _ _. Kenapa Zara?” Saya pura-pura acuh bilang gapapa. Eh, Esmeralda malah bilang kalo saya naksir ama si Mr. AM (emang iya sih tertarik). Langsunglah segerombolan jomblo ini heboh dan ngeledekin saya.

Tak disangka, tiba-tiba si Dandy malah manggil Mr. AM dan memperkenalkan dia secara resmi ke saya.(KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!). Ini udah kaya cerita di novel jadi nyata dan saya malu-malu menjulurkan tangan untuk jabat tangan. Lalu? Tamat.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Iya, saya terlalu malu dan salah tingkah hingga segera balik badan meninggalkan Dandy dan Mr. AM. Hahahahahaha… ini pengalaman pertama dan super dudul tapi lucu yang pernah saya alami di kondangan. Dasar nih ya si Dandy! Di mobil (saya pulang bareng mereka yang ada di foto di atas kecuali Esmeralda), mereka masih aja ngeledekin saya. Pas tahu dia ngerokok, saya gak jadi suka lagi deh. Iya, sesimpel itu meski dia pinter dan tipe saya banget. Tapi yaa.. temen-temen saya itu malah menawarkan temen-temen mereka lainnya yang udah siap nikah tahun ini. Mereka nunjukin foto para cowo yang siap nikah tapinya yaa.. saya ga bisa bilang iya kan hanya dengan melihat foto mereka. Saya harus ketemu dan lihat bagaimana si cowo bicara plus bersikap. Nyambung atau gaknya.. Entahlah.

Pencarian jodoh ini tidak semudah belajar alfabet. Huft~

Dubai Man

Rindu. Miss you.

Never once I believe in the love at the first sight. I believe love grows when you spend time together with him. You talk and feel comfortable. You find the chemistry.

Since the first time I met him, I feel that he treated me as a woman not a girl not even a kid. It seems he understands me without saying anything. At the beginning, I was a bit shy to start the conversation but he led me through it. I feel I can talk about everything with him. His name is the first thing popped up in my mind every time I experienced something new. I want to tell him about it directly. Well, not only that… I want to tell him everything about me, what I have done today, a silly thought, a new thing that probably we could do together. My heart is going to explode just to think about it.

As I said before, love grows when you spend time together with him. So I thought, it’s just a crush. I just admired him, nothing more. I thought the feeling will fade away as time goes by. But hey, it’s not!!! He lives over 6000 miles away, we rarely talk over the phone and text each other but the feeling I have for him keeps lingering. It sometimes hurt when I really miss him.

Meeting him? I never know when he will come back. I won’t expect things because it will make me hoping. It’s better to keep silent and wait. Do my routine and live my life.

Why? No matter how much I love him (sometimes I was hoping that he’s my husband), it’s impossible. When I think I finally found the one, there were other things that ruined it. That makes things hard. Impossible. And… I have to accept it.

Well, dunno. After all, I am still grateful for meeting him and having this precious feeling. Best luck for the two of us.

P.S. I truly deeply madly miss you.

 

Spontanitas dan Kejujuran

People change. We never stay the same. We adjust to the environment. I guess, it changes me too (in good way sometimes).

Berdasarkan analisa sotoy saya, orang yang memiliki golongan darah AB memiliki dua kepribadian. Maksudnya disini bukan munafik tapi cenderung menyesuaikan diri sesuai dengan situasi dan kondisi yang menyebabkan diri saya egois dan cenderung ingin cari aman sendiri. Pada dasarnya, saya memang tipe yang penyendiri. Teman banyak sih tapi yang dekat bisa dihitung jari.

Nah, lingkungan dan teman pergaulan juga merubah saya sepertinya. Pemikiran-pemikiran dari buku dan film saya tonton membuat saya sekarang spontan mengekspresikan perasaan saya. Misalnya, ada orang buang sampah sembarangan di jalan, saya akan langsung menegur mereka. Dengan baik pastinya tapi kadang gak sih kalo orangnya nyebelin. Pernah juga sewaktu nonton di bioskop dua orang ibu-ibu duduk di sebelah saya. Sepanjang film diputar, mereka komentar ini itu dengan suara yang cukup keras dan kadang kasih spoiler (grr). Akhirnya, saya tegur dengan sopan, “Ibu, maaf suaranya bisa dipelankan gak. Saya merasa terganggu.” Mereka pun minta maaf dan diam. Saya senang, mereka tidak tersakiti (I wish).

Belum lama ini saya bertemu gebetan sewaktu SMA di kondangan setelah delapan tahun tidak pernah ketemu. Pulangnya kami bareng, dia mengantar saya sampai depan rumah. Setelahnya, saya chit-chat basa-basi dan bilang kalo dia adalah highschool crush saya. Dia pikir saya bercanda padahal serius. Haha. Spontan aja bilang.

Lalu, ada lagi seorang cowo yang sering disebut-sebut sama sahabat saya sejak SMP, saya belum kenalan tapi saya dan dia sudah saling follow di twitter, instagram dan fb. Dari cerita teman-teman saya itu, he seemed so good and great. He did something big for people and many girls liked him, katanya sih gitu. Saya kan jadi penasaran. Lalu pas merajut tiba-tiba saya kepikiran percakapan mereka. Salahnya, saya spontan berkicau di twitter dan dia jadi tahu saya penasaran. (Yeah, I admit I was interested).

Once, Nisa said I was silly. I embarrassed myself. Iyasih, kadang untuk berkata jujur itu berat apalagi perasaan kita. So, why did I do that? I dunno.

  • Mungkin, saya hanya ingin mengapresiasi orang-orang. Saya jujur bilang suka dan sayang ke Ipul, Aziz dan Reza juga Annisa, Enai dan Achit. Yah, mereke orang-orang yang dekat dengan saya. Mereka punya hal spesial yang membuat saya nyaman dan dekat.
  • Mungkin, saya ingin membuat mereka spesial. Saya tahu rasanya menyenangkan saat ada orang yang bilang suka dan tertarik dengan kita. Maka, gak ada salahnya saya membuat mereka merasa spesial seperti apa yang saya rasakan.
  • Mungkin, saya takut menyesal. Well, we never know right. You only live once. YOLO.
  • Mungkin, karena kita sudah dewasa dan bisa menghandle ini dengan baik. Iya, ada dua macam orang yang merespon pernyataan ketertarikan kita. Satu, menghindar lalu menjauh yang menurut saya jauh dari kedewasaan. Dua, santai aja menyikapinya dengan mengucapkan terimakasih dan berteman seperti biasa. Oiya, maksud saya disini when I confess, I don’t want a relationship. Just friendship.
  • Mungkin, saya merasa lega setelahnya. Yup, setelah bilang itu rasanya legaaa banget setelahnya gimana sih ya nothing to lose yaa. Saya sih berprinsip begitu.

Hmm.. our feeling is personal. When we share it, the effect can be different. Jadi penting juga memikirkan perasaan orang lain. Salah saya disini, main bilang dan spontan jujur bilang ini-itu yang seringkali acuh dengan efek setelahnya atau gak peka dengan akibatnya. Sering juga, ada orang yang belum saya kenal lalu saya bilang hal-hal jujur Endingnya gak tahu deh.

But… it’s all up to you. It’s just me. I am being me. A selfish me. Hahahaha

Highschool Crush

ENOUGH, OVER AND THANKS

Meeting my highschool crush after 8 years made me overwhelmed. It was exciting and nostalgic. However, it’s ENOUGH for me to meet and have a chit-chat after that. Then, it’s OVER cause I know there’s no prospect in this old time story. So, THANK YOU for being nice even after I bluntly told the truth.

😊

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QUARTER LOVE-LIKE RELATIONSHIP

 

No soundtracks are to be found
No words to define

Feelings and thought tangled in your mind, Action speaks louder than the dreamy plans

Sweet honey comes up
Fear crawls up cause you give me more than enough…

Huft~
16.12.2015

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KEMARIN

KEMARIN

Memberi kejutan dengan datang jauh-jauh dari belahan benua Asia lain ke Jakarta hanya untuk mengajak saya ke toko buku dan mengambil gambar saya dengan “buku itu” (yang sayangnya ngeblur) lalu kembali pulang beberapa jam kemudian. Hhhh~

Bandara sudah pasti menjadi tempat yang kami kunjungi. Terminal 2E menjadi saksi bisu perpisahan kami tiga bulan terakhir tanpa tahu kapan berjumpa lagi. Damri membawa saya pulang dengan harapan akan ada lain kali dan tanya sebenarnya kemana ini semua berakhir.
18.10.2015
#FlashBack #RandomThought #HappinessIsMeetingFamiliarStranger

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